Why I always cry on the first day of school.

Tomorrow is my son’s first day of 3rd grade. And while I’m ecstatic that Summer has come to an end, my heart is sad just a little.

It happens every year, without fail. I cry on the first day of school. I can’t help it, honestly, I can’t. We’ve had 6 first days of school now, dating back to pre-school, and I have teared up every single time. The biggest moments of blubbering misery were the  first day of pre-school and the first day of kindergarten. But all the other times have given me just as much heartache, some days I held it together better. 

First day of school I spend so much of the morning pumping Wyatt for school. While he loves school, the first day is a little difficult for him. But there is that moment where I walk out of the classroom, and my Mommy sad starts. It is the realization that there is a whole world of things going on, and I have no part in it. Yes, this is about me…are you new here? I’ve spent 8 years raising this little boy. Being there for all the amazing milestones, and all the boo boos, all the tears, everything. I haven’t missed much. But every year I get a reminder that there are things that I am missing. Every year I am reminded he is becoming that much more independent. Every year I am reminded he needs me a little less. Whole periods of the day go by, and I have no idea what my little man is experiencing. This creates all kinds of sadness…well ok I’ll be honest, it creates anxiety. Are there moments when he looks around wondering where I am? Are there times when he needs a hug and I’m just not there? I just don’t want to miss anything. Clearly the separation anxiety is on my part. 

So, on the eve of the first day of school. I’m prepping myself so I’m not a blubbering idiot. I’m giving myself time to feel the feelings of separation anxiety to avoid a scene. Mostly for Wyatt’s sake. I don’t think he minds, but I realize that part is not going to last. Here’s hoping tomorrow goes off without an obvious tear. I don’t need Wyatt saying, “what the pickles, Mommy?”Image

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